funerals are a strange affair. Gramin's was yesterday.



Her church is a very large presbyterian church that is still in the process of being constructed. The sanctuary is large and ornate, but still not quite finished. They've yet to add carpet to the room, so the concrete floors and high ceiling gave the room a very big sound.



Per the family's request i played and sang 4 verses of Amazing Grace using a crappy guitar. Thanks to the lack of carpeting, I didn't even need a microphone.



Death is so strange and sureal to me. I can't figure out why i've yet to experience any sadness. I could be bottling it up, or maybe I shed all my tears ahead of time.



I am happy to say that on Christmas day, just 7 days before her death, Gramin, Lara, my cousin and I got to share a small christmas meal together at her apartment. After our small meal we bundled up and went out on to the deck and enjoyed the wonderful sunshine. It was a beautiful day and we all smiled and felt alive together. It is a very nice memory.

[1]

On occasion I notice that I have receive a voicemail without realizing that I’ve missed a call.

Invariably when I listen to it, it tends to be a bunch of garbled noises. While I know that I should just hit '7' and delete the message I can't help to but to strain to listen.

Maybe I will be able to decipher something. Hear a voice I recognize in all the background noise.

[2]

My grandmother died on New Years Day. She was alone in her apartment at the nursing home and was found by one of the staff.

On the 31st I receive a non-garbled voicemail from my cousin Michael asking me to call him because Gramin was not doing well and her dog, Grimes, had been getting into trouble. He apparently did not know we were in San Diego and wanted to know if we'd be able to take the dog.

I called him back, informed him that we were out of state and advised him that since he could not take the dog to his apartment, the best option would be to find a kennel to use for the next several days. He told me ok and confided in my that Gramin had told him that she had lost the will to live. I told him I'd call my folks who were in Colorado at the time and let them know the situation.

On November 3 my grandfather, Gramin's husband of 50+ years died of liver cancer. In early December, Gramin was also informed that the lung cancer she'd fought off three years ago, was back. And she would be too weak to do any type of treatments. I hate to sound heartless but when you're dealing with terminal cancer I really wonder how much your 'will to live' really counts?

[3]

My dad called me on New Years morning and told me of Gramin's death. It was one of those things that you could see from a mile away: The phone rang in the kitchen, Lara's dad answered the phone. He told me it was my dad. I just knew what was coming.

Lara and I were renting a car that morning to drive up to the Orange to see John Sant. We opted to not change our plans because there would be nothing we could do by coming home early.

[4]

Later that day I receive garbled voicemail message. It got me thinking. Could those sounds be my grandmother?

My family, regardless of their religious convictions or lack thereof, all like the idea that my grandmother and grandfather are now in heaven together. They also delight in the idea that most likely they will have been enjoying the recent bowl games together.

I generally don't say much around this, as I would rather not get into some sort of theological debate regarding television being in heaven.

I just let it go. After all, if I can get a voicemail message from the dead, whose to say my recently deceased grandparents can't enjoy watching LSU defeat Oklahoma.

I like middle names. Unfortunately noone seems to use them.



Mine is timothy.



I was talking with a friend about names the other afternoon. How sometimes, it seems, people have very strange first and last names. Almost as if their parents didn't really think it through. Both my friend and I could recall people from school who had strange first and last names. For example, I knew a girl named Brook Brooks. My friend knew a guy named Bryan O'Bryan. And another named Mary Derryburry.



One can't help but wonder what the parents were thinking.



The only thing that I could come up with was that most parents when they are naming kids are including the middle name when they are trying it out.



It would not sound as strange to hear the names Brook Ellen Brooks, Bryan Anthony O'Bryan or Mary Alice Derryburry.



But I guess in their "we-just-had-a-baby" bliss, the parents go brain dead and end up screwing up their kids... but then again, most parents I know have the name picked out months before the baby even arrives. So really, they don't have an excuse.



My name is Shannon Timothy Barrett. Personally, I think it works pretty well.

i can't believe that mike is reading the left behind series.

updates updates, everyone!

the lord said to me

to love my enemies

it's black and white

but still a mystery



reveal to me

Lord bring me close to you

mold me you hands

i know that you're not through.



Heed the call

Satan will fall

the time is now.

it's time for change.



for eighteen years now

i've been running strong

i woke up this morning and realized

my work has just begun



i can see it so clearly now

it's like the writing on the wall

i don't need an earthly brother

i've got the closest friend of all.





this was the first song i ever wrote. this spring it will be 10 years ago. I performed it for a talent show of sorts with my best friend Todd Graves. We were seniors in high school involved in the local church youth group together.



yesterday the song came out of it's comfortable retirement to be played at my grandfather's funeral at my mother and grandmother's request. On one hand I was pretty nervous because i wrote this when i was 17 and yeah, it sounds like i am 17. but who am i to argue with my grandmother at my grandfather's funeral.



the room was not your typical church setting, more like a small gymnasium with a stone floor. I played it with Paul's acoustic guitar without a microphone. the room was very loud, so it worked well.



it seemed like a nice tribute.

This morning at 5:30am my grandfather died in his sleep.



my grandmother said that she had been up all night just listening to him breathe. She said that it was like music to her. She had told me that she hadn't been sleeping at night for a while, and now I know why.



she has lost an incredible friend of over 50 years... I hope and dread that I will lose someone this close to me at some point...



-s

My grandfather is expiring in the next few weeks to terminal liver cancer. There is nothing they can do except to wait and try to make him comfortable.



I have never had someone close to me die before. needless to say, i've been crying a lot thinking about it. I imagine that this is a sneak preview of things to come: losing those i love the most and being very sad.



i know that this is a part of life that we all will have to deal with.



so every spare moment that i have (which as been pretty much every day after work) I am spending with my grandfather and grandmother.



2 years ago i sat down with them and a tape recorder and recorded a conversation journaling all of the places they've lived and all they've done. both my grandfather and grandmother were in the air force (he flew in ww2 and korea) so i wanted a sort of history of what they'd seen and done.



recent events reminded me that i needed to finish this project before my "sources expired". So i've been working on that as well.



on a funny note, Lara witnessed an exchange yesterday evening in the posh nursing home in which my grandparents live.



a couple in the lobby sitting on a couch together in sight of the windowed exits

old woman: i just realized that i don't think that i've told you today that i love you.

old man: you still get mad at me

old woman: that's true, but that doesn't mean i don't love you.

old man: yes it does.

old woman: look at all the traffic out there!! it's just pilled up!



it's this sort of exchange that makes me look forward to getting older.

sorry it's been so long.



we're playing and writing and putting stuff together.



the latest new is that zech, lance, our friend stevo and i are planning on building a studio. it's all up in the works because all of that stuff = money which we don't have.



so i'll keep you updated.



show tonight at the north texas new music thing. should be fun.

blogger madness

about a year ago i decided to write an album with my band about a bunch of amatuer heisters and holy crap, it's been the bane of my existance to finish that sucker.

lyrics are difficult. music is difficult.

it would be so much easier to just write about the everyday emotional stuff that i go through (like i've done for the past 7+ years) but NOOOO i gotta go and try to be creative.

hmmmm. ok... i almost posted this as a comment to my friend Georgeann on her blog, but because it was getting so long and rambly, i thought i'd actually blog it on my own blog.

crazy

"oh yeah, i heard about that on npr"

so lara and i were talking yesterday evening as we were leaving half-priced books.

lara was commenting on how often she finds herself saying "oh yeah, i heard about thisorthat on npr" when talking with folks...

we really listen to npr a lot. i mean, pretty much whenever we're in the car, that's all we listen to.

it's almost as if we're reasonably well informed about current events or something.

but it's more than that actually.

here's a small list of things into which we've recently gotten plugged through npr:

*david attenborough's 'life of mammals" dvd series (brilliant btw!)
*al frankin's " Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right"
*john vanderslice "time travel is lonely"
*interest only loans

it was great

i was having this dream and i kept waking up and realizing (as much as i could half asleep) that actually i was just living out this movie that i'd once seen.

but really, i wasn't, i just knew what was going to happen.

essentially, like most cool stories that love, it involved a heist of some sort. we were being chased, we had cool gadgets and all these plans.

but of course, i woke up and had to go to the bathroom and get ready for work.

i am supposed to plan a date for tonight, but i can't think of anything for us to do. i'm thinking we should hit 1/2 priced books and hang out there!!! yeah... that'll work.

gee that was easy.

shannon

"There is so much you don't know about me--things I haven't told you--for instance, that I do have a family, that I believe there is a God, that I was once a child--and that I have fallen in love twice and that neither time lasted. But how much of this matters in the end if you are alone. What is our memory? What is our history? How much a part of us is the landscape, and how much are we a part of it?"

-douglas coupland, life after god

a more in depth account...

I got home from work yesterday to find Bandit lying on the ground in the laundry room.

I could tell that something was wrong when I walked in the door and I heard him cry out. normally shelties are dogs that bark, but the whole time Bandit was with us, he never barked once.

Bandit was taking pain medication for arthritis, so it was not uncommon for him to have a hard time standing up (his back legs were especially weak sometimes). When I found him it looked like his back legs had given out on him.

I wasn't sure what to do. I tried to help him stand up, but his legs were too weak. I wrapped him in a towel and drove in the van to the nearest vet that I knew of, but they were closed. the 24 hour emergency clinic was about 10 miles from there and because my band was playing a show about an hour away, I wanted to wait for Lara to get home before we decided what to do.

zech picked me up for the show, and Lara and I decided that she would take Bandit to the clinic. it was difficult because I didn't want her to have to go alone, but because of the show, and my lack of adequate transportation I was stuck.

after carrying Bandit out to the car and getting him comfortable I told Lara to call me when she knew what was up.

At about 9 PM, I was just getting to the club and Lara called for the update. Because of Bandit's age, it was kind of hard for the emergency clinic vets to diagnose what the exact problem was. they advised that he may have had a mild stroke, or it could have been just his arthritis flaring up. they gave him some pain medicine and offered to keep him over night.

Lara and I decided to go ahead and have her bring him home because we wanted him to be with us. we would take him to the vet in the morning.

I called Lara after the show (about 1:30 am) after receiving a frantic message to call. Bandit was home, but was now crying and barking nonstop. Lara didn't know what to do. I told her that I would be home in about an hour and we could figure out what we wanted to do.

When I came in Lara was on the couch asleep and Bandit was still crying out. We talked and I told her that because I had to get up for work at 8, we should try to get some sleep and take him to the vet in the morning. Lara was too upset to sleep, so I went to bed alone. It was almost 4 am.

I woke up at 7 and noticed a text message on my phone from Lara that she had taken him back to the clinic.

I found her sitting on the back porch and she told me that he was gone.

There had been nothing they could do for him. I am still not clear exactly what the final issue was, but apparently he had been in a lot of pain. Lara told me that she had finally agreed to let the vets put Bandit down.

I told her that it was the right thing and that we had known he didn't have a long time. All we had wanted for Bandit was a nice place for him to settle down for the last part of his life. Unfortunately it was too short for us.

I held her for a few minutes and finally told her I had to go to work and that I would see her at noon when I got home. She told me I could take her car and that she was going to try to sleep.

alas

due to numerous health problems generally associated with being a 14 year old dog, we were forced to put Bandit to sleep early this morning.

as one might imagine, we're not that happy today.

sick as a dog

my head just ached all day yesterday because of sinus stuff. just in case you wanted to know, all my snot was a funny colour, so from what I understand, this means that it was probably more than just allergies, it was actually a sickness.

because of the funny colours, I called in to work and stayed home. which should have been cool. it wasn't. if I had gotten off my butt and gone to the store for some medicine I probably could have eased the pressure in my head and could have enjoyed the three new video games I got Tuesday (Vagrant Story, SSX, and Half-Life). Instead I just laid around feeling lightheaded.

I did was Glengarry Glen Ross. amazing dialogue with amazing acting to boot. Mamet is probably one of my recent favorites.

speaking of dogs, I should mention the fact that our old dog Bandit is pretty much blind and deaf. also he has arthritis so it's hard for him to move around. but dangit if he isn't lovable. we got him from the local sheltie rescue several weeks back and he now recognizes us and knows that he's not going to have to be moving any more. he's 13+ years old as far as we can tell. we're quite attached.

our cats, Ash and Finch are just young and crazy. they're super affectionate and when they aren't chasing each other around the house knocking stuff over, they're purring in our laps. we're quite attached to them also.

so here's to another day!!

-s

lyrics to make your whole world ache

fantastic everything
this broken down reality.
and i kiss the feet
of what i need
just looking for significance

fantastic everything
is breaking down around my feet
so i kiss the hand
of circumstance
i'll quit my job and start a band

corporate lessons.

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the
door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the
bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was
Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was
flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his
hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her
way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a
bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory." Moral of the story: Always be well informed in
your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says
the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me
next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina
coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up,"
the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back
in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss
have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and
doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by
a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung
was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the
story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

people with loud voices

calling me, being loud and disputing their late charges they've incurred because a) they're too thick to make it through our phone system which is so freaking easy; b) they call in every month to dispute late charges; and c) they want their way.

i tell them, "you know, you just started this call yelling at me, it doesn't make me want to help you. "

what i would like to tell them, "it's a simple phone system, why don't you listen closely."

they hurt my feelings. sheesh.

it's as if people cannot imagine that folks doing customer service/retail/whatever can't be intelligent people who just like their jobs... everyone just assumes that i'm a drop out or somethign because i do phone work.

bleh. idiots.

-shannon

on growing faster

there are so many things i cannot control. too many really

i cannot control that fellow slurping his soda behind me in church. i cannot control his mutterings (he is handi-capped after all). I cannot control the toddler throwing her books around. I know these are the inconsequential things... the little things which should not affect me as much as they do; however; their disruptions are the ones that are the most profound.

I am not disturbed by Africa or the homeless. And perhaps that is what should disturb me the most.

Those things that do bother me are the things which involve little beyond a noise, a jostle in what i've come to expect to be a quiet time. And yet these jostlings are perhaps more moving than the quiet times themselves. Isn't God just like that?

(then again, maybe that's just me. so convinced that God could only work through negative things. This of course reflects upon my understanding of God's nature... )